So They Want to Censure Martha?

With Kenyan politicians playing to the gallery who needs comedians? And why I hear yes and neighs in response to the recently proposed Karua’s censure motion? Why take sides in battle that is no battle at all?

Let me set the records straight. If I was in parliament I would have vehemently opposed the Karua censure motion for only one reason. I would have argued that since motions or no motions makes no difference as the censured ones will still find their way back to the cabinet, there is no need wasting time going through the most recent parliamentary routine, or should I say custom and tradition?

Being a more honourable “mweshimiwa” than others, grossly aware of the camera that is pointed at me in the most poignant of positions, I would take advantage and make my constituents know the fabric I am made of. Of course this is in total ignorance of the proverb “a fool is wise till he opens his mouth.” Yes, I would eloquently aver that there were are more important and urgent things that beckoned our “wisdom” than discussing a “mere woman.” I would further argue that it is backward, retrogressive and amounts to first degree cowardice trying to kick out a woman whom we all know is as good as a lame duck in so far as the presidential political contest is concerned. So the “brilliant mweshimiwa” I am will prevail upon the male legislators to show some courage and decorum by totally ignoring discussing a woman whom we all know can be tamed by just one man. You see, the cultural fabric that enclothes us has given us this undue mileage over the feminine gender. So being obviously ahead in the race, we need not waste our limited time, energy and other unqualified resources “killing a mosquito with a sledge hummer” as one PLO once put it.

I know that this stupid argument (being the kind of stupid mweshimiwa I am, I will obviously not see it as stupid but as the epitome wisdom) will be thunderously applauded by fellow stupid “male wasioheshimiwa.” I can see honourable “Fulani” cheering wildly, even though he is aware that he did not fairly beat Mama Mboga in the last parliamentary election. Another dishonourable member will take advantage of the ensuing commotion to wink at another female legislator whom he has been admiring since the opening of the 10th parliament but he has never mastered the courage to tell her so. You see this coward MP is after all a clever chap, he has foreseen the introduction of sexual harassment policy in the house and does not want to be caught in its web so he displays his not so refined morals in a concealed wink as he takes advantage of the prevailing situation.

Just then my eye catches glimpse of my “fellow learned friend” who is staring at me in a manner likely to suggest that I have not mentioned an important point in the argument. Since I am too slow to remember what we discussed last night (as a matter of fact, I was drunk after my third round and couldn’t wait to take away my recently acquired ndogo ndogo (the recently declared Miss Something – I don’t know what?) so I had switched off the conversation at that point. Indeed there was nothing to remember) I ignore him and continue to hammer home my point.

My learned friend then whispers something to the ears of mweshimiwa Mamba who promptly proceeds to raise a point of order. The poor mweshimiwa reminds the house that the character who is the subject of today’s debate is no child play. He proceeds to remind the house that the honourable in question is known for her venomous attack on the male species and gives an example of her chasing away her former (now late) husband from their matrimonial home and proceeding forth to hire a fellow male legislator as her official handbag career. Before he can ask fellow legislators to support the motion, the honourable Madam rises up on a point of order and the rest is history.

Being the wise honourable I am, I had come to the house with a “non-partisan” open mind (read, I had eaten on both sides and feared being busted by either side or I am just plain stupid and cannot stand my own ground in a debate, like you know who from Mwingi). I know some of you skeptics are saying that I have nothing between my ears and cannot tell the difference between the yes and no in any discussion so normally I play the pacifier.

Derailer warning…

That reminds me of this village shylock I have always wanted to blog about but I keep procrastinating. Anyway word has it that he did not go to school and he even failed in a welding course since he could not read the tape measure. When advised to consider a driving school he plainly rejected the advise. Anyway, what would you expect of one who cannot ride a bicycle yet he is from Kano plains where every nine year old  – male or female, rides a border border. The problem with the shylock is that he owns many bicycles that were deposited as security by his debtors but they defaulted. Anyway, that is story for another day. What i wanted to say about this man is that he buys two newspapers on a daily basis. Of course the who village knows that he cannot read but that does not deter him. I love that spirit! Well, he carries his newspapers in a certain angle that invites passerbys to loudly read the headline. From there on he gets his first content of the day’s news. When he gets to a local joint he puts his paper on the table and starts to lecture other patrons on the subject of the headline. Meanwhile other people are reading and commenting on more articles in the paper. Once he has gathered enough information for the day, he is set… the poor man will proceed forth to lecture everything he finds along his way – including goats and sheep. So who is the fool? Need he go to school if he can get the information without reading? Methinks this jolly good fellow is a clever chap. Somebody said knowledge is having the information or knowing where to get it when you need it. Huh!

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Back to our censure motion, I will not argue like I suggested above for two reasons. The most obvious one is that though I may indeed be stupid, I am not a mweshimiwa. But the second reason, which is the bane of this post is that we need the comedy. Kenyans elected the MPs to serve them and they are doing this pretty well. The only “small” problem is that they are serving us in a way that we did not expect. Well, neither did they themselves expect the same – it is just a product of their buffoonery. They have ignorantly set up a theatre in our dimly lit living rooms. It seems the gods are recompensing us for our all hard work without play – an they are using our Fraudstars (Politicians).

You see, it is very backward to argue that they are wasting our time debating useless issues whereas there are important things to discuss – Post-election violence (I don’t know what about it to discuss), the internally displaced, famine, Mungiki, extrajudicial killings, corruption and impunity, Land Reforms (Who owns the large tracts of land all over the country), Migingo Island, Harambee Stars’ allowance, and many other important things including majimbo (yes, I said majimbo. It needs to be discussed thoroughly and with utmost sobriety without drawing unnecessary sentimental arguments based on selfish intentions and desires of “stakeholders” (thieves). If it is not discussed in sobriety we will see another war in 2017.

I know that these are important things to discuss and resolve but being a student of history I know that I will be an empty debe (tin) – calling for political responsibility on these matters. It is sad to say that our political fraternity is made up of hypocrites, then thieves and haters – nothing else. Or didn’t you ever read that man is the only animal that remains your friend when he intends to eat you until when he has eaten you all up? That is the best and only description of our politicians. They are anthropoktonos – Greek for man eaters. Literally they are.

Scratch my back I scratch your back

The Kenyan political class is one big family of thieves also known as “majambazi”. They are just but thugs! They are rapists, thieves, murderers,  – every other sinful adjective describes them. Since their sins are all inclusive they use the principle of “scratch my back I scratch your back” or didn’t you see the way Ruto and Kiraitu covered for each other? Lucy, Saitoti and Kibaki are also another example. Formerly Biwott and Gor Sungu (you remember the theatrics “are you threatening this commission now?) at the Ouko Commission of inquiry.

And so you want to censure Martha? Martha is no saint, That much I know. The blood of many Kenyans spilled early last year as she played supremacy war making inordinate unfortunate statements that only continued to spark anger amongst warring groups in the last election. Or didn’t proverbs teach of a good answer calming anger and a bad response fueling it? (Proverbs 15:1). So Martha is equally another guilty one and she can do nothing to make her saintly – nothing whatsoever. Like the other obvious murderers of her political class, she is equally a culprit. Yet Martha is not worse than most of her colleagues in government. In fact a comparison gives her much credit and relief. It is this game of comparison that makes her look like a saint in the eyes of many – including herself and Mungatana. I mean, with the obvious scandals of the Kiraitus, Rutos, Kimunyas, Saitotis, Uhuru, Mudavadi, etc isn’t Martha holy?

Apparently the answer is obviously yes to many Kenyans. But wait until you find out how these people scratch each others’ back then you will know how deadly they are. Start with the one Ababu Namwamba who is pushing this motion and ask him about the maize scandal (is this what he is covering) or about the legwork hewas doing for Martha just a few months ago – how much was he paid and what went wrong? Or talk to that Simon Mbugua and ask him about that Car Bazaar near Nyayo Studium. Mbugua who the other day was dodging cameras in court – a lawbreaker like Mbugua wants to censure Martha? Ah! Go and read about the adulterous women whom Jesus saved from stoning. Remember his words “If you are not guilty cast the first stone.” Response: They all walked away from the eldest to the youngest.

So it all goes round and round. The censure motion is indeed meaningless to Kenyans and so are other insignificant debates. In fact the only value we get from our parliamentary proceedings is entertainment. In fact they are so effective that we may not need theatres for the next four years. Consequently, the ministry of Culture should be disbanded as all the MPs are serving effectively in this capacity.

That is the only reason why I support the Karua censure motion. I know that I will be treated to an exciting comic play, though not original because I am sure Ababu will bring on the same old lines, Mbugua will not speak in parliament ( he doesn’t have the head or mouth to do that apart from when he is calling Luos pepo mbaya kutoka Nyanza), then Charles Kilonzo will remind Karua that she has only one degree before Khalwale seals it with the submission that Martha has no husband while he and other honourables have wive, children and postgraduate education. But Martha will put up a spirited fight claiming that her University of Nairobi Law Degree is in fact stronger than Kiraitu’s Degrees from Harvard. She will mention that she is a Mother, a parent and a Women’s leader and that the motion will hurt her innocent family and friends. I am not sure what Mungatana will say this time, but I am certain he will talk. Ruto will pretend that he doesn’t play in such leagues. Uhuru will have generously distributed cash before the motion and will be nursing hangovers during the proceedings. One thing is for sure though – He will vote yes for the motion.Wako and Ringera cannot and will not say anything but the motion is most blessed by them.

Of course Martha does not have many friends so she will lose the motion to the rogues but who will go ahead and demand for her resignation. Martha will reject the calls and the next day Mungatana will call a press conference where he will threten to reveal the crimes of those behind the censure. The next weekend they will head to the Coast where they will make declarations in a poorly attended rally and Martha will still declare her candidature for the presidency come 2012 as if the Grand Coalition Government has the balls to last the next two weeks.

Kenyans will watch the debate, some live, others in the news bulletin. People will discuss the censure in the streets. The Civil society will call for a demonstration demanding Martha’s resignation and a few idlers will walk down the streets chanting Martha must Go! There will be no drama and most Kenyans will still go hungry. They will forget about Martha and look elsewhere for somebody to blame for their hunger.

Then the next censure motion will come and it will go and we will still be hungry.  Meanwhile a few more scandals will be brewing in one ministry or the other. Too sad!